Logic in the time of coronavirus: Don Tillman’s guide to social distancing

Don Tillman, the hero of Graeme Simsion’s Rosie trilogy (The Rosie Project, The Rosie Effect and The Rosie Result), is here to give us his guide to social distancing. Read on!

Greetings. I am aware that ‘greetings’ is perceived as a slightly odd way of initiating an interaction. However, I have found it more effective in discouraging handshakes, embraces and kisses than more popular formulations such as Hey!; Bec! (when directed to a person of that name); Darling! and (obviously) Give me a hug. I recommend adopting it during the current pandemic. Alternatively, you could try Namaste, which has the advantage of an associated positioning of hands which is incompatible with ritualised body contact.

I have previously observed that a world full of Don Tillmans would be efficient, safe and pleasant for all of us. I have been able to comply with the covid-19 recommendations without making any significant changes to my existing lifestyle, the advantages of which extend well beyond reducing the spread of disease. The current crisis provides an opportunity for everyone to review their principles of living and, given their obvious success, I am sharing my own as a public service.

Unfortunately, I have not been given unlimited space (due to priority being given to advertising, gossip and unsubstantiated opinion); hence I list here only the most critical items:

1. Follow scientific consensus. Scientists make errors but are prepared to correct them. Ignore friends, media personalities and politicians. In the case of covid-19, the scientific consensus is that individuals should minimise contact with other individuals. (If you agree with the principle of believing scientists when your life—and that of relatives and friends—is at stake, you should logically do so in all situations, including climate change, vaccination and horoscopes.)

2. Care for others. Almost everyone claims to ‘care’ but this frequently means ‘react emotionally to others’ distress’. Emotions are irrelevant to the spread of disease: what is important is action (refer [1] and below).

3. Practise good personal hygiene. Wash hands before eating and after contact with other humans. I have been criticised for using sanitiser after (involuntarily) shaking hands. No longer!

4. Avoid touching your face. I expect you will find this extremely difficult to do, and I recommend you appoint a housemate or colleague to shout at you every time you break the rule. It is unlikely to stop you touching your face, but it will build empathy for autistic children who are constantly told to stop doing things that they find comforting and which (unlike touching our face in the time of an epidemic) do no actual harm. Empathy, supposedly, is a requirement for qualifying as human.

5. Avoid large gatherings. In doing so you will not only avoid a fine under current legislation, but also unhealthy food, low quality alcohol and formulaic conversation made even more difficult by loud music, which, even if it conforms to your taste, is (reciprocally) impossible to appreciate due to the conversation.

6. Substitute virtual presence for physical presence. It is almost always more efficient to interact electronically than ‘face to (infected-saliva-droplet-spraying) face’. Travel time is eliminated, rescheduling is virtually overhead-free and costume choice is more flexible (e.g. running costume, pyjamas). Most sporting events are better watched on television (or not at all). The term ‘social distancing’ is a misnomer: the distancing is physical. In fact, using electronic media allows more social interaction to be scheduled, should you for some reason consider that desirable.

7. If you have a psychological need for face-to-face contact, limit gatherings (e.g. dinners) to four people. In my experience, twenty-five percent of the conversation time is barely sufficient to develop an argument or explain some interesting fact without being accused of dominating. (Current legislation is stricter, unless your household comprises four or more people. Two people were sufficient for Plato’s dialogues.)

8. Purchase supplies rationally and considerately. If you have implemented my Standardised Meal System, you will be accustomed to purchasing the exact quantities of ingredients required for a week’s meals. If you have not implemented it, now would be an excellent time to reconsider. To minimise trips to crowded markets, I recommend scaling up and using your freezer and/or replacing some fresh ingredients. For example, deletion of the carne from chili con carne has minimal impact on the flavour and reduces cow slaughter.

9. Reschedule free time. With more efficient social contact, cancellation of events and possible unemployment, you are likely to have spare time. Do not waste it in unfocused television-watching, sleeping or internet surfing. Instead, take the opportunity to (for example) institute a fitness program, acquire a new skill or read a book.

Your life and the life of others may now depend on following these rules of behaviour which you may once have mocked. Humans will need to put the good of the entire planet ahead of the comfort of irrational social rituals. I am not optimistic.

–Don Tillman

The Rosie Trilogy by Graeme Simsion (Text Publishing) is available now.

Aussie publishing house Text Publishing is donating $1 from all sales of their books to the Royal Melbourne Hospital! Find out more here.

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