Maggie Dent is one of Australia’s favourite parenting authors and host of the ABC podcast, Parental As Anything. Her new book of the same name is out now.
Today, Maggie Dent is on the blog to share her thoughts on what it means to parent with common sense in the age of the internet, where everyone online seems to be telling you you’re doing parenting wrong. Read on!
Maggie Dent
Common sense parenting in the digital age
Raising children has always had challenging moments for both parents and their little ones. There have never been perfect children, or perfect parents or perfect families.
The arrival of the digital world with its time-stealing attraction of following the lives of others, especially via images and videos, has changed the perception of the reality of parenting. It is human nature to compare oneself with others, and often images online display carefully curated moments when things look great and perhaps are great. This can put pressure on good-enough parents to feel that they are failing in some way and ‘doing parenting wrong’.
One of the biggest challenges of living in the digital world is that there is now too much information for parents and it’s tricky to find information which is both helpful and respectful of parents and families. I frequently remind families that no parenting book has ever been written about your child. Your child is a one-off, unique miracle. While there are many things that may help you meet the needs of your child, no matter your best intentions, you will muck up from time to time. In my new book, Parental as Anything, I included some golden information from many well-qualified parenting authors and experts who are also parents. It was reassuring to hear from Dr Vanessa Lapointe who is a highly qualified psychologist who works with parents and children, that just like every new mamma, she had significant moments of challenge and failure.
Good-enough parents will want to search for ways to navigate some of the biggest challenges of raising children. Some of the things they search for are how to manage tantrums, biting, poor sleep, how to talk about sex, how much screen time is okay and is my child ready for school? The digital world has given access to an infinite amount of information, however some of the information is not only incorrect, it can be potentially harmful. One supposed expert suggested that parents could substitute milk for bone broth for babies under 12 months of age! We need to be discerning.
Celebrities and bloggers, especially some mummy bloggers with no qualifications in health, education or child development, share their opinions willingly in the online space. Again, their influence can be potentially harmful if we don’t remember that their opinions are just that – opinions which are not based in science or sound common sense.
For example, look at the enormous pressure felt by many new mums about how quickly their body returns to pre-baby weight. Some people are biologically blessed to have bodies that can maintain healthy body weights almost effortlessly, while others can struggle. It took me well over 12 months and an enormous amount of effort to return to pre-baby weight. Of course, I never quite returned to pre-baby shape, but that is another topic altogether!
Watching images online that show incredibly toned and slim bodies of mothers after the birth of a baby can certainly negatively impact other mothers in the same situation. Filters and digitally altered images can be hard to identify especially when we are a sleep-deprived mamma of a little baby. It can just make new mums feel damn lousy.
Not everyone online makes you feel you’re parenting wrong
Common sense suggests that having a strong supportive circle around parents, especially mothers, can make a huge difference in our health and wellbeing. Mothers’ groups can help create opportunities to form significant friendships that can last for life. My three BFFs were all teachers like me and we began having little ones around the same time and we were in a country community so it was easy to stay connected.
It is so much harder in today’s busier world especially in busy cities and so the digital world can play a positive role in staying connected. There is a profound sense of solidarity that can be formed for night feeding mums – and it can feel so much less lonely to share texts and messages while walking or rocking a restless baby in the wee hours of the morning.
Being a part of a Facebook group or a WhatsApp group can be helpful however it’s not without its challenges. Sometimes people can express strong opinions that are very different to yours and that can make you question your own values. Sometimes people can be sarcastic or try to be funny and it can be misread and be very upsetting. I have had mums tell me that they have been criticised, made fun of and shamed for some of their responses in these groups. So it seems you need to be very careful about the groups you join and be prepared to remove yourself from them if you are finding they make you feel you are parenting wrong.
So how can you find information that helps you be the parent you want to be (well, most of the time)?
The key is to find reputable parenting authors and educators whose information and opinions are backed up by evidence-based science and who offer some practical possible solutions to common dilemmas. Read their material online and watch videos they have done and decide if they are someone you can trust. You don’t have to agree with absolutely everything they write or say, but you do need to feel you can trust that the information they give you will not cause harm in your home.
There are some key points to watch out for in making these decisions about whether information is helpful or not. Parenting practices have changed and softened especially in the area of punishment. Skinnerism from the last century was very much about punishing poor behaviour of children and rewarding good behaviour. The science of child development now shows that this can create some long-term problems for our children.
What is now fundamental for parents to understand is that the stronger the attachment, or significant loving relationship, a child feels with their key grownups, the healthier and happier they will grow to be. They are also motivated to follow the directions of their safest grown ups who love them.
There are many terms to describe this form of parenting – gentle, connected, respectful – and one of the key areas of confusion that many parents struggle with, is how do I discipline my children given that the way I was disciplined is now not recommended? Please remember that we can be tender loving parents who are also firm at times because our children still need us to be their leader. They still need us to teach them about boundaries and to step forward with, as Dr Lapointe calls it, ‘swagger’ when they make choices that may hurt themselves, others or the world around them.
They need us to say ‘no’ to many of their requests and to know that when they express distress at not getting what they want it is completely normal and okay. This is good-enough parenting. One of my favourite memes says “I was a much better parent before I had children!”
Another key factor is being realistic about our expectations of our children and understanding where they are at developmentally. For example, say you have a little one who has started hitting other children. Despite there being very little intentionality behind this behaviour – and the fact that it is likely to be impulsive and developmentally appropriate for a child with a very underdeveloped prefrontal cortex – it is our job to ensure they learn how to make other choices. In days gone by, a child may have been smacked, sent to their bedroom or the naughty corner and possibly shouted at. These choices do not help the child to make better choices in the same situation again and may have made them distrust the parent as being a safe person. What can help is if the parent sits close to the child and immediately reaches out and holds their hand if they attempt to hit another child – “I am not going to let you hit. Hitting hurts.” Show the child how to play in another way or to gently pat the other child. This may take several such interventions before the child can learn a different way to interact physically. The child needs a grown-up to help them learn not to hit.
Navigating meltdowns and tantrums is challenging work for every parent and it can make you doubt your capacity, especially when it is in the supermarket in full public view. The impact of deep sleep deprivation on your own health and wellbeing as a parent is another enormous challenge that can make us make choices we later regret in the heat of the moment! We all have these moments as parents.
In this digital world, create your own tribe (digital and IRL) of family, friends and parenting educators who embrace the whole messy, unpredictable, chaotic, delightful, exquisite journey of raising children with a healthy dose of common sense. Avoid all those who make you feel you are doing your parenting wrong. Find those who share their muck up moments, who watch out for you, encourage you and have a warm sense of humour. This is what you really need to parent in this digital age.
—Parental as Anything by Maggie Dent (ABC Books) is out now.
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Parental as Anything
Limited Signed Copies Available!
A common-sense guide to raising happy, healthy kids - from toddlers to tweens
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