Kerri Sackville is an author of four books and regular columnist for Sydney Morning Herald and Melbourne Age. She lives in Sydney with her kids and a recalcitrant cat.
The last time Kerri Sackville came on the blog, she told us about why she was embracing life’s mess in her anti-domestic bible, The Life Changing Magic of a Little Bit of Mess. This time, Kerri’s answering a few of our questions about Out There: A Survival Guide for Dating in Midlife. Read on!
Kerri Sackville
Please tell us about your book, Out There!
KS: Out There is a survival guide for dating in midlife. When I found myself on the dating scene after seventeen years of marriage I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I’d never used a dating app. I’d barely ever dated at all! I made every mistake one could make on the dating scene, from going on blind dinner dates with men I disliked at first sight, to spending a week chatting to a Getty image, to getting involved with a man who kept weeping about his ex.
I wrote the book that I wished was available when I became single. I wrote the book that will help people navigate the minefield that is dating in midlife and stay physically and emotionally safe. It can’t guarantee you a partner at the end, but it can help you to maintain your sanity and have fun while you look.
The dating world has changed dramatically in recent times, and there are lots more scammers out there taking advantage of women. What’s one thing that women can do to protect themselves and still have fun?
KS: Every woman trying online dating should do a reverse image search on the photos of the man she is talking to. A reverse image search will show you whether the photos appear anywhere else on the internet and if the person is who they claim to be. It weeds out people using fake profiles and stolen photos, takes less than a minute, and can save you a world of pain.
What do you think it would take for the culture of online dating to shift so that it’s a better space for women?
KS: Look, there’s bad behaviour from both men and women in the online world, but men rarely feel unsafe the way we women feel. The online dating world just reflects and magnifies the problems in our wider society. Men who lie, men who send unsolicited dick pics, and men who harass women, are disrespectful to women both online and off. I suspect, however, that if every person was required to give their full name and place of employment on dating sites, there would be a lot less bad behaviour. Anonymity gives people free license to be arseholes.
It can’t all be bad news! Are there still positives for women jumping on the midlife dating rollercoaster?
KS: Absolutely! I had some great experiences when I was dating. I met some gorgeous men and went on some exhilarating dates. And now I’m in a relationship with a fabulous man. I waited a long time for him and he is absolutely wonderful.
‘The online dating world just reflects and magnifies the problems in our wider society.’
Do you think there’s still a misconception that women over a certain age aren’t entering the dating scene? If so, why?
KS: There are tons of books and videos and articles for young women about dating and sex, but women (and men!) of all ages are dating. I’ve met people in their sixties and seventies in new relationships after divorce or being widowed. My own grandmother got remarried at sixty-eight, and she and her husband had twenty-five years together. There’s no age limit on finding sex or love (or both, if you’re very lucky).
What’s the number one piece of advice you’d give yourself if you could go back in time?
KS: Take some time out to be alone before you start dating! I wish I had done that. When you’re not okay on your own you make choices based on desperation or need. You lower your standards, you accept bad behaviour, and you can end up in very compromising situations. I firmly believe that everyone should spend a bit of time alone before they launch into a new relationship.
Can you tell us a little bit about your journey towards becoming a writer?
KS: Look, I can give you a great narrative about how writing is my passion (it is) and how I am overflowing with ideas (I often am) and how I am never happier than when I am sitting at a keyboard (generally true) but honestly, I just have no other marketable skills.
What is the last book you read and loved?
KS: Sorrow and Bliss, by Meg Mason. It’s hilarious and profoundly moving and I loved every single word.
What do you hope readers will discover in Out There?
KS: Readers will discover all sorts of tips and tricks to help them manage online dating, from how to know who to swipe on, to what to do on a first date, to how to politely reject a potential suitor, to when to introduce a partner to your kids. And it’s also pretty funny, because dating can be ridiculous, and some of the experiences I had were absolutely insane. (Just wait till you hear about Malcolm and the souffle …)
And finally, what’s up next for you?
KS: I recently released another book, The Life Changing Magic of a Little Bit of Mess. It is a celebration of domestic imperfection and the joys of letting your standards slip. I mean, no-one ever looked back on their life and wished they’d spent more time with their steam mop, right?
Thanks Kerri!
—Out There by Kerri Sackville (Brio Books) is out now (and you can get it with free shipping, too!).
Out There
A Survival Guide for Dating in Midlife
When Kerri Sackville began dating again after a long marriage, she made every mistake known to woman kind.
She swiped right on scammers and fakers, spent weeks fruitlessly texting, agreed to long dates with the wrong men, and got involved with hot messes and commitment phobes. She also met amazing men and went on sensational first dates, and learned how to navigate the minefield that is dating in midlife...
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