Extract from : 31 Dream Street
2-Sep-90
Dear Toby,
This isn’t working. Marriage isn’t what I thought it would be. I expected more, not just you and me and a smelly old man rattling around inside a big, damp old house without a penny between us. I think I’ve realized that I don’t love you enough to live in penury with you. I thought I did, but I don’t. I’m sorry that I didn’t realize this earlier, but I think it took something dramatic like getting married to clear my head of my silly, over-romanticized view of you.
You’re a good man, Toby, but you’re not enough for me. Please don’t hate me,
Karen xx
A ROOM OF YOUR OWN?
Finchley-based poet, unexpectedly alone
in rambling Victorian mansion, has four big
bedrooms to fill. Shared kitchen and bathrooms.
Rent negotiable, but reasonable.
Preference given to artists and performers.
Please write to tell me why you should live here.
Nov-90
Dear Lonely Poet,
My name is Ruby Lewis, I am sixteen years old and I’m a singer. My mum threw me out last week because her ugly husband kept hitting me. Which was my fault, apparently. I’m staying with this man at the moment. He’s thirty-two and he thinks I’m twenty. I don’t really like him, but he lives in Camden which is really cool. Anyway — I’d really like to come and live in your house because it sounds really cool and because you sound really cool and because I can’t afford to pay proper rent. One day I’m going to be the most famous singer in the world and then I’ll buy you a Lamborghini to pay you back. Please let me live with you. You won’t regret it.
Lots of love,
Ruby xxxx
Apr-02
Dear Sir,
My name is Joanne Fish and I am an actress. I am thirty-one years old, single and currently living in New Cross. I do not have much
experience of sharing houses, but I was attracted to your advert because I am currently at an interesting and unexpected juncture in my life - a crossroads. Your advert struck me like a neon sign on a long and circuitous journey. I realize you will have received a thousand responses to your advert and that the onus is on me to make myself appear more interesting and needful than the other nine hundred and ninety-nine, so I will try my best.
I have had an interesting life. I have lived abroad and in various corners of this country, including Luton (!) and the Isle of Man. I have had many jobs, from the sublime to the ridiculous. I once spent a summer sticking eyes on balls of fluff in a factory that produced promotional 'bugs'. I also once spent a summer helping a famous actress rehearse for a role while she was suffering from a mild case of amnesia. I am not what I would call a particularly gregarious person, but I do like the company of other people and that is why your home appeals to me so much. My flat is very well insulated and living alone I sometimes miss the noise of existence.
I am currently researching a role for a film that is due to begin filiming at the end of the year. It is a small role but pivotal and the director is very well known. Unfortunately the project is top secret so I can't divulge any more information than that. It does mean that I will not be earning a regular salary until filming commences (although I will take on occasional temporary work) so the possibility of being able to pay rent on an ad hoc, flexible basis could not have come at a more opportune moment.
I am also clean, tidy, reliable, polite and non-smoking.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours, in good faith,
Joanne Elizabeth Fish
Feb-04
Dear Sir/Madam,
I have to admit I don’t usually read the Private Eye but someone left it in the toilets at work so I thought I'd have a flick through and your advert caught my eye. Not for myself. you see, I'm a married man with three kids and a house in Hainault, but for my friend, Con.
Con works with me at Conde Nast. He's an assistant in the post room here, been working here for about a year now. He’s a nice lad, a bit of a loner, but reliable to a fault. He’s never had a day off. He’s young, eighteen I think, and what’s happened is that his mum’s done a runner, buggered off to Turkey and left him alone. His grandmother raised him and then after she died the mum came back and promised him the world, rented some luxury flat for the pair of them and then two months later she buggered off again. Poor kid couldn’t afford the rent on his own so he moved out, about a week ago. He was staying with a girlfriend for a while, I think, but then she kicked him out too. I don’t know where he’s living now but I can't help noticing he’s not looking as sharp as he usually does. And he’s getting that smell, you know, that sort of grime smell. I reckon he’s sleeping rough. He gets the papers, looks at the ads for rooms but he can't afford anything decent, not on what he earns here. I've tried to persuade him to come home with me but he’s too proud, and, if I'm honest, we haven’t really got the room for him anyway.
I know your advert says you want creative people and Con's not exactly that, but he is young and just starting out and this could be the moment in his life which makes or breaks him. When I was his age I got in with a bad crowd, lots of popping pills, taking speed, fighting, that kind of thing. Lucky for me I met Chrissie and fell in love. She showed me a better way to be, you know? She saved me.
Maybe you could save Con.
Hoping for your kindest and fullest consideration.
Yours faithfully,
Nigel Cadwallader
Sep-04
Dear Toby,
It was lovely to meet you the other night. I just wanted to say thank you again, for what you’ve done for my Con. It fears me
to think what might have happened to him if you hadn’t taken him in and given him a room. You are a very good man.
The reason why I’m writing is that I’m in a bit of a bind. I won’t go into too much detail, but suffice it to say that I’m going to be homeless too, not to mention unemployed, unless I find somewhere to live. Con said that he’s happy for me to share his room, but he said I should write to you, officially, as you like to do things properly, which I totally respect. So, would it be OK if I shared with Con for a while? I’ll pay you rent and it will only be for a few weeks, just until I get myself settled back in the country and get myself a job.
I really need to be near Con now, after what happened to him when I left the country. I feel so guilty and I’ve got so much to make up for. If you would allow me to spend some time with him in your beautiful house, I’d be forever in your debt.
Yours faithfully.
Melinda McNulty