Family Ties That Bind:

1 INTRODUCTION 12 FAMILIES ARE STRANGE CREATURES 81. The Hip Bone's Connected to the Thigh Bone -How Families Work 82. Eat Your Spinach - Rules in the Family 123 YOU NEVER TALK TO ME - CLOSENESS AND DISTANCEAMONG FAMILY MEMBERS 171. Come Closer - Not Too Close 172. Appearances Are Deceiving 203. All the World Wants a Mommy 224 YOU'RE NOT BETTER, JUST DIFFERENT -DEALING WITH DIFFERENCES 241. I Say Tomato, You Say Tomahto -Anxiety about Differences 242. Do It My Way or Else - The Demand for Sameness 262.1 ""I only want what you want, dear"" -The compliant ones 262.2 ""I did it my way"" - The rebels 292.3 ""I'm the king of the mountain"" - The attackers 302.4 ""Bye-bye"" - The cutoff 33vi Family ties that bind5 HOW TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF AND STILL HAVE FRIENDS 351. Free to Be Me - Being Yourself and KnowingWho That Is 351.1 Being goal-directed 371.2 Distinguishing between thinking and feeling 382. Stuck in the Mess - Fusion 413. You Made Me Do It - Being Responsible for Yourself 454. Let Mother Take Care of It - Under-Functioningand Over-Functioning 474.1 Negative consequences 474.2 Positive consequences 495. Conclusion 496 TRIANGLES IN RELATIONSHIPS 521. Three's a Crowd - What Is a Triangle Anyway? 532. How Triangles Operate 573. You and Me Against Her - The Meaning of Coalitionsin Triangles 614. The World Is a Stage - Roles in the Triangle 677 WHO'S ON FIRST? - BIRTH ORDER ANDGENDER POSITION IN THE FAMILY OF ORIGIN 711. The Oldest Child 751.1 Oldest sister of sisters 771.2 Oldest sister of brothers 771.3 Oldest brother of brothers 781.4 Oldest brother of sisters 792. The Youngest Child 802.1 Youngest sister of sisters 812.2 Youngest sister of brothers 822.3 Youngest brother of brothers 832.4 Youngest brother of sisters 833. The Middle Child 84Contents vii4. The Only Child 874.1 Male only child 884.2 Female only child 895. Twins 908 DOING THE WORK 92Step 1 - The Begats: Who Is in Your Family? 93Step 2 - Hello, Mom. Remember Me?:Contacting Family Members 97Step 3 - Developing a History 100Step 4 - Dr. Livingston, I Presume?: Researching 102Step 5 - You Can Go Home Again: Making Family Visits 107Step 6 - This Is Me, Like It or Not: Differentiating 113Step 7 - Redoing It 1189 THE AUTHOR'S OWN FAMILY OF ORIGIN WORK 1201. My Own Family Circumstances 1211.1 My family diagram 1232. Starting the Work 1253. The Work Progresses 1274. Dealing with Triangles 1305. Differentiation of Self 1326. Conclusion 134APPENDIX I:Family Research 135APPENDIX II:Finding Professional Help For Doing Family Of Origin Work 139