Making Hostile Words Harmless

Case Stories xi

Introduction xiii

Acknowledgments xxi

Chapter 1 Difficult People and the Art of Aikid? 1

Martial Arts—East Does Not Meet West 2

Verbal Arts 3

Instinctual Reactions 4

Turning the Spotlight 5

Response versus Reaction 6

Chapter 2 Acting as If—The Art of Confirming 9

What and Why of Confirming 10

Art of Agreement 11

Speak It as You Want It 13

Counting on Compliments 16

Drama Is Worth a Thousand Words 22

Reverse Resistance with Psychology 24

Exercise 25

All-Purpose Confirmations 27

Chapter 3 Asking Questions—The Art of Inquiry 31

Dialogues 32

Pseudoquestions 34

Asking Questions to Avoid Assumptions 35

Asking Hidden Questions to Promote Contemplation 37

Spotlight Effect 38

Asking Questions to Prevent Prying 39

Asking Questions to Evoke Inquiry 41

Asking Questions that Give People a False Choice 44

Asking Questions that Predict Success 46

Exercise 47

All-Purpose Questions 49

Chapter 4 Active Listening—The Art of Understanding 51

How Listening Became Active 52

Therapeutic Triangles—Reflect Harsh Words Away from Targets 58

Narrating Behavior and Diction 59

Naming the Game 61

Filial Therapy Narrations 62

Refinement of Active Listening 64

Active Listening Add-Ons 65

Active Listening for Empowerment 67

Exercise 71

Advantages of Active Listening 73

Chapter 5 Hypnosis and Humor—The Art of Evoking 75

Modern Hypnotherapy 76

Hypnotic Basics in the Verbal Arts 78

Advanced Hypnotic Patterns 79

Exercise 95

Comedy Connection 97

Chapter 6 Taking a Stand by Opposing 101

‘‘I’’ Position 102

Taking a Stand Effortlessly 103

Disagreeing Effortlessly 108

Handling a Backlash 109

Buber Takes a Stand 111

Chapter 7 Teaching Positive Speaking to Clients 115

Positive Speaking Training Steps 115

Aikid? Cross Training (Step 5) 117

Positive Speaking for Interpersonal Issues 118

Interference from Inner Bullies 120

Limits of Positive Speaking 122

Goals of Positive Speaking 124

Maintaining Balance with High-Wire Families 125

Chapter 8 Workshops on Positive Speaking 129

Bonus: For Practice or Presentations 130

Possible Workshop Titles 130

Program Description 131

Learning Objectives 132

Materials 133

Scripted Program Outline 133

Quiz 143

Feedback Form 148

Handout 149

Questionnaire 150

Cruel Comments Worksheet 150

Quiz Answers 155

Appendix A Verbal Arts Terms 159

Appendix B All-Purpose One-Liners 165

Appendix C Psychotherapy Approaches Referenced in the Text 167

References 171

About the Author 173

Index 175