Foreword xxiii
Introduction 1
Why You Need This Book 1
How This Book Is Organized 2
Part I: What It Means To Say “I Do!” 2
Part II: Can We Talk? 2
Part III: Making Marriage Sexy 3
Part IV: Examining the Marriage Life Cycle 3
Part V: Maintaining a Healthy Marriage 4
Part VI: The Part of Tens 4
Icons Used in This Book 4
Where to Go from Here 5
Part I: What It Means To Say “I Do!” 7
Chapter 1: Taking a Candid Look at Marriage 9
To Marry or Not to Marry? 9
Understanding Marriage Pluses and Minuses 11
Marriage pluses 11
Marriage minuses 12
Why Marriage Isn’t for Everyone 14
Knowing that Unrealistic Expectations Cause Problems 14
Deflating Six Common Marriage Myths 15
Finding Mr or Ms Right 16
Two people in a good marriage automatically grow closer with time 16
When couples argue, it destroys the relationship 16
Pursuing your own individual needs is incompatible with making a marriage work 17
Marriage partners can fill the gaps in one another’s makeup 18
The goal of marriage is for both partners to get exactly what they want 19
Chapter 2: The Five Building Blocks of a Working Marriage 21
Developing a Realistic View of Marriage 21
Treasuring What the Two of You Have in Common 24
Making Room for Separateness in Your Togetherness 27
Agree to do some things separately 29
Develop a balance that suits your relationship 31
Making the Most of Your Differences 31
Combine your strengths 32
Using your differences to mirror one another’s positive traits 32
Remember that your differences were once interesting and pleasurable — not sources of conflict 32
Accepting That Not All Problems Can Be Solved 33
Part II: Can We Talk? 35
Chapter 3: Understanding the Roots of Marital Problems 37
Unraveling a Three-Sided Story 37
Recognizing what you bring to the mix 38
Recognizing what your partner brings to the mix 40
Recognizing the patterns in your marriage 42
Changing negative patterns through positive mirroring 43
Working Together to Build a Stronger Marriage 44
How is your marriage doing? 45
Troubleshooting marital problems 46
Chapter 4: Communicating with Your Partner 47
Recognizing That You’re Always Communicating 48
Watch for changes in mood and attitude 49
Tune into body language 49
Look for signs of nervousness or tension 49
Double-check the meaning of gestures 50
Understanding How You Talk to Each Other 51
Sharpening your listening skills 52
Recognize the impact of conversational pacing differences 55
Husbands, Wives, and Their Communication Styles 56
Understanding the Importance of Negotiation in Marriage 58
Applying the tools of win-win negotiation to marriage 59
Maintaining an ongoing dialogue — especially in matters of the heart 62
Chapter 5: Fighting the Fair Way 65
Understanding That Fights Will Happen 65
Looking for Signs of Unhealthy Fighting 66
Does one spouse fear the other? 67
Does one spouse become physically threatening? 67
Does one spouse destroy property? 67
Does one spouse become verbally or emotionally abusive? 68
Do you fight in front of your children? 69
Does alcohol play a role in your fights? 70
Negotiating to Prevent Fights, When Possible 70
Punctuality 71
Neatness 73
Planning 75
Having a Healthy Fight 76
Defer to the partner who feels most strongly 76
Assume good will 78
Maintain a balance, but don’t keep score 78
Following the Rules of Fair Fighting 79
Be clear about what you (and your partner) want 79
Limit the scope of the argument to the issue at hand 79
Seek a resolution that both of you can live with 80
Go to bed angry, if necessary 80
Look for exceptions 80
See the glass as half full, not as half empty 81
Remember to be kind 82
Apologize when you need to 83
Avoiding the Don’ts of Fair Fighting 83
Don’t look for total victory or unconditional surrender 83
Don’t intentionally prolong the argument 83
Don’t nag or withdraw 84
Don’t bring out the heavy artillery 85
Part III: Making Marriage Sexy 87
Chapter 6: Developing a Great Sex Life 89
Understanding Changes in Sexual Chemistry 89
Communicating Your Sexual Desires 91
Breaking Down Three Major Roadblocks to Good Sex 94
Children 94
Stress and marital tensions 96
Workaholism 96
Understanding Why People Don’t Know What to Expect from Sex 97
Deflating Five Common Sex Myths 98
Men are more interested in sex than are women 99
Married people don’t (or shouldn’t) masturbate 100
Foreplay is a separate part of the sexual experience 100
There’s a difference between clitoral and vaginal orgasms 101
Sex fades as a couple ages 102
Chapter 7: When Sex Falters 105
Recognizing Potential Blocks to Sexual Pleasure 105
Understanding the Causes and Treatments of Sexual Dysfunction 107
Problems with sexual desire 108
Problems with sexual arousal 110
Problems reaching orgasm 113
Finding the Right Kind of Professional Help 117
Part IV: Examining the Marriage Life Cycle 119
Chapter 8: The First Years of Marriage 121
The New Most Important Person in Your Life 121
Negotiating family loyalties 122
Setting boundaries with both your families 125
Understanding the Shifting Role of Friends 127
Negotiating opposite-sex friendships 129
Developing friendships with other couples 130
Coming to Terms with Changes in Sexual Chemistry 132
Adjusting to Each Other’s Rhythms and Quirks 133
Pinpointing Early Marriage Danger Zones 136
Chapter 9: The Growing Family 139
Deciding Whether You’re Ready for Children 139
Choosing when to have a child 140
What if you and your spouse can’t agree about having children 141
Getting Ready for the Financial Hit 142
Understanding the Emotional Impact 144
Balancing Career and Family 146
Resolving the Childcare Dilemma 148
Considering alternate work styles 149
Dividing parental responsibilities 150
Deciding to Have a Second Child 152
Marriage without Kids 154
Chapter 10: Women and Men at Midlife 157
Recognizing the First Stirrings of Middle Age 157
Meeting the Challenges of Your “Second Adulthood” 161
Evaluating your personal satisfaction 162
Evaluating your satisfaction with family-planning choices 164
Evaluating your career satisfaction 165
Understanding Men’s Midlife Concerns 167
Understanding a Woman’s Emotional Changes at Midlife 169
Understanding a Woman’s Physical Changes at Midlife 171
Chapter 11: Making the Most of Marriage at Midlife 175
Evaluating Your Marriage at Midlife 176
Becoming a Couple Again after Children Grow Up 178
Redesigning Your Marriage 180
Caring for Aging Parents 181
Planning for Retirement 184
Chapter 12: Remarriage and Stepfamilies 189
Understanding the Emotions of Remarrying 189
Remarrying after the death of a spouse 190
Remarrying after a divorce 191
Making a Second Marriage Work 193
Understanding the Complex Issues That Stepfamilies Face 194
Understanding remarriage finances 195
Forming a new family unit 196
My children, your children, our children 199
Part V: Maintaining a Healthy Marriage 203
Chapter 13: Reducing the Stress on Your Marriage 205
Understanding Negative and Positive Stress 206
Dealing with Your Own Stressors 206
Keeping Stress from Undermining Your Marriage 209
Dealing with Stress in the “Red Zone” 212
Understanding the Connection Between Stress and Control 214
Assessing the Impact of Stress on Your Marriage 215
Chapter 14: Exploring the Role of Money in Marriage 219
Recognizing How You and Your Partner Deal with Money 219
Recognizing How Money Problems Can Threaten Your Marriage 222
Understanding what’s behind compulsive spending 223
Understanding what’s behind miserly behavior 224
Recognizing How Money Impacts the Balance of Power in Marriage 225
Understanding How a Flexible Marriage Protects Your Financial Future 228
Chapter 15: Examining Extramarital Affairs — and Knowing What to Do about Them 231
Understanding What an Affair Is — and Isn’t 232
Understanding Why (and When) Spouses Cheat 233
Danger zone 1: Shortly after the wedding 234
Danger zone 2: When a baby enters the family 235
Danger zone 3: The seven-year itch 237
Danger zone 4: The midlife marriage crisis 238
Understanding What to Do About a Cheating Spouse 241
Admitting Versus Denying Infidelity 244
Rebuilding a Marriage After an Affair 245
Chapter 16: Getting Outside Help 249
Recognizing Problems that Require Outside Help 249
Problem drinking 250
Drug abuse 251
Compulsive gambling 252
Domestic violence 253
Unresolved grief 254
Depression 255
When a child has a serious physical or emotional problem 256
When the two of you are unable to resolve differences 257
When one or both of you has decided to seek a divorce 257
Finding the Right Kind of Outside Help 258
Deflating Six Common Therapy Myths 261
One school of therapy is better than another 262
Successful therapy has more to do with the therapist than the client 262
A therapist’s job is to make you feel good 262
A therapist is supposed to champion your cause 263
A therapist’s views and values don’t matter 264
The goal of therapy is to solve all your problems 264
Chapter 17: Understanding Divorce and Its Alternatives 267
Deciding if Your Marriage Is Worth Saving 267
Evaluating your investment in the marriage 269
Understanding the impact of divorce on children 272
Winning Back Your Mate 275
Reframing Your View of a Flawed Marriage 277
Creating the Kind of Marriage That Works Best for You 279
Agree to live as friends or compatible roommates 279
Make family your main priority 280
Recast your marriage as a business partnership 280
Have a low-risk extramarital affair 281
Recognizing When Divorce Is Your Best Option 281
Part VI: The Part of Tens 283
Chapter 18: Ten Ways to Make Your Marriage More Romantic 285
Pay Attention to Your Appearance 285
Show Your Love Every Day 286
Use Words of Love 286
Use a Gentle Touch 287
Make Time to Be Alone Together 287
Do All of the Traditional Things — Even if They Seem Corny 288
Do Something Out of the Ordinary 289
Play and Laugh Together 290
Revisit Your Shared History 291
Chapter 19: Ten Things You Should Never Say to Your Partner 293
“You Never” or “You Always” 293
“Yes, But ” 294
“It’s All Your Fault” 295
“Are You Getting Fat?” 295
“That’s Not My Job” 296
“Why Can’t You Be More Like ?” 297
“I’ll Try” 297
“Forget It, I Don’t Want to Fight” 298
“I’m Getting a Divorce” 298
Chapter 20: Ten Ways To Have a Fair Fight 301
Understand What’s Really Going On 301
Stick to the Issues 302
Listen Beyond the Literal Words 302
Look at Both Sides 303
Look for Ways to Bend without Breaking 303
Use Strategic Timing 304
Don’t Garbage-Bag 304
Don’t Go for the Jugular 305
Don’t Take the Moral High Ground 305
Make Sure Both of You Can Live with the Outcome 305
Chapter 21: Ten Signs That Your Marriage Is in Trouble 307
One Spouse Is Physically Violent 308
One Spouse Is Verbally Abusive 308
One Spouse Is Abusing Alcohol or Drugs 308
One Spouse Has a Problem with Compulsive Gambling or Compulsive Spending 309
One Spouse Is a Workaholic 310
One Spouse Is Having an Affair 310
One Spouse Is Depressed 311
The Two of You Disagree About Having Children 312
You and Your Partner Have Stopped Having Sex 313
You and Your Partner No Longer Enjoy Being Together 314
Chapter 22: Ten Ways to Have a More Exciting Sex Life 315
Make Sexual Contact Part of Your Everyday Life 315
Expand Your Sexual Horizons 316
Tell and Show Each Other What Pleases You 317
Unleash the Power of Fantasy 318
Take Advantage of Pornography 318
Make Special Time for Sex 319
Become an Artful Kisser 319
Don’t Focus Just on the Orgasm 320
Talk Sexy 320
Have Sex With Someone You Love — Yourself! 321
Appendix A: References 323
Chapter 1 323
Chapter 2 323
Chapter 4 323
Chapter 5 324
Chapter 6 324
Chapter 7 325
Chapter 8 325
Chapter 9 326
Chapter 10 326
Chapter 11 326
Chapter 12 327
Chapter 13 328
Chapter 14 328
Chapter 15 328
Chapter 16 329
Chapter 17 329
Chapter 22 329
Sources of Quotations 330
Bibliography 330
Appendix B: Resources 335
Premarital Counseling 335
Therapy and Counseling 335
Infertility and Adoption 336
Sexual Difficulties 336
Stress 337
Retirement 337
Mental Illness 337
Alcoholism and Other Addictive Behaviors 337
Domestic Abuse 338
Divorce 338
Index 341
