Once Upon a Toon

Foreword by Alan Shearer
Prologue
'Just get undressed for me . . .'
Magnificent dilapidation
'What does your wife do for a living?'
Ted and Vi
My (dis)continued education
Benwell Bill
Preseason training: cheating, a bin liner and a slap
So Far Away
The secret pool
David McCreery's hair
The Kevin Keegan effect: 1982-84
A plastic pitch and a shopping trip
Superman, the squadron leader, and a very angry Irishman
The wisdom of Arthur
Meeting an idol
The man in the white coat
'Did we score that one?'
'You probably don't remember me . . .'
The Gallowgate roar
Jack Charlton, a death threat and a missing gun
George Reilly wins a fight
Once Upon a Time in America
'Is Geraldine there?'
The character and kindness of 'Zico'
Joe Harvey's knees
'Is that Spandau Ballet?'
Shearer - a Newcastle United Legend
'Divvent touch the soup . . .'
One minute you're Steve McQueen . . .
Slipping out of the back door
Walking through the front door
'I thought you drove an Aston Martin?'
The Kevin Keegan effect - 1992-97
'She is looking at him!'
The Young Ones
'D'you wanna go for a drink?'
A Newcastle United family
The bell rings for round one
The weigh-in, scissors and a trip to the post office
Maiden Castle
Poulet a la compote, a strapping and a grumpy Belgian
A waste of time . . .
Gazza and a missing passport
Substance behind the style
The versatility and timekeeping of Faustino Asprilla
The smiling assassin
The Fulwell End is always full . . .
Shear brilliance
An unhappy manager, a Christmas do and a pink tutu
The pride of Cookstown
An enthusiastic student
A Yorkshire Terrier
A Psycho mummy
Talking to Bruce Fucking Springsteen
The General
A fan in the treatment room
I Put a Spell on You
A Cup final - and a prized possession
El Gordo and El Gordito
'They don't eat the green sweets . . .'
Ruining Gazza's diet
'There's always someone with a bigger boat!'
A book signing
'Wait until you hear him sing!'
A stray testicle, a tough Geordie and a convention of nuns
A familiar voice and a kind gesture
Ruining Bobby Robson's training session
'You've changed . . .'
The Pied Piper of the Left Bank
A Man for All Seasons
Elevation
Alan Shearer or Elliot Lee?
Bono's glasses
The King of Barcelona
A dedicated superstar
An iconic celebration
The humble winner
'It's only a bit of bloody wind . . .'
'What's my name?'
One player, two managers
A date with a masseur
40
The Master Chronicler
'Are ye not the trainer for N'castle, like?'
'What will happen to Gareth?'
'Can I finish my song?"
It was over. I just didn't know it . . .
A final pilgrimage
'Run for Home'
Once upon a toon . . .