Truth, Triumph, and Transformation

Chapter One

ATTRACTION PHOBIA

"Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom." - BERTRAND RUSSELL There are forces in the Universe that cannot be denied, and it's bewitching to believe that they can always be controlled and directed at will. It's true that your life force vibrates with vast influence. Consciousness does indeed create reality, and energy expands to produce real and far-reaching results. These principles are being explored in the scientific world, yet there are still so many things we need to understand-both about our personal energetic process and about the workings of the Universe itself. Truths such as consciousness-created reality are fundamental parts of the human experience. And although these concepts are complex, they can empower us and provide many formulas to help us approach life in a healthy and self-actualized way. When we bring our awareness to our everyday experiences, we can not only achieve greaterhappiness, we can deal with all the joys and difficulties along our path.

Yet there are many misconceptions that have developed around the process of manifestation and attraction. I call them the lies of attraction, but it might be more accurate to call them the half-truths of attraction. The precepts I'll discuss in the beginning chapters of this book all find their basis in truth, but they lose their integrity-and cause serious problems-when they're taken to the extreme.

For example, the theory of consciousness-created reality does reveal your mental and emotional influence on your own destiny creation. When you hear about this and other concepts that say your thoughts create reality, you may become obsessed with what you're thinking-never realizing that obsession actually makes things worse. This is such a common reaction that it's important to address it right away.

Are you critical of your negativity? Worried about being around people who worry? Afraid of your own fear? This reaction has run rampant. I call it attraction phobia, and it's based in the belief that good things only happen to people who always think positively. This can be paralyzing because the fear of having a negative thought is, in itself, a negative thought! A friend of mine was recently going through some very difficult times in her career, suddenly being mistreated and manipulated so that others could try to gain her position. She decided to relax and treat herself to a massage. Her massage therapist was usually very supportive, but had recently been immersing herself in some extreme views of attraction, becoming very judgmental about any "negative" thinking.

It's important to remember, however, that a healthy part of our process as human beings is to express our emotional reactions, especially those concerning the difficulties in our life. My friend had just gotten out of a meeting where she was being attacked, and she naturally felt the need to vent her feelings. She felt that the massage room was a supportive environment-that she was engaging in an activity where she not only could get her thoughts out, but could also get the negative energy out of her body. In addition, her therapist was a long-time confidante, often offering sage advice about challenging situations.

After my friend had been talking about some of the things that had just happened, her massage therapist abruptly stopped her and said, "Well, if you're going to keep complaining, you're never going to attract anything different."

My friend explained that the feelings were still raw, and she was just trying to get them out and understand what had occurred. Yet the therapist became very hostile and judgmental. She told my friend that she should never talk about her difficulties again, and insisted on doing the rest of the massage in silence. This inflexible, black-and-white approach has become a terribly common and extremely unhealthy reaction. It's not only simplistic, it's unrealistic. It doesn't allow for our humanity, nor does it encourage us to process things in a healthy way.

Real life happens and has to be handled honestly-not superficially. People can be cruel, and if they are, you'll react. Do you want to shelve that response and live in energetic perpetuation, or do you want to let it out and get some resolution? Of course, if you keep running into the same kind of treatment, you do need to investigate how you treat, and talk to, yourself. That's the line of thinking that really matters. The Thought's the Thing-or Is It?

I like to view some negative thoughts as clouds in the wind. They can float in and out, and you don't have to make them mean too much. Yet if you're like me-and every other human being-there are times when life seems to send huge storm clouds your way. When something truly difficult stimulates a lot of negative thinking, that's a sign you need to deal with it-not ignore it, not deny it, and definitely not fear it.

If you're generally optimistic, minor negative thoughts can move through your mind, but they don't have a lot of power in your life. Chronic patterns of doubt, anger, and self-judgment, however, need to be reversed. Those kinds of thoughts that reappear with frequency and intensity are trying to tell you that you have issues that need attention. For example, if you're always saying, "There are no good men out there," you need to know that such a persistent expectation can set you up for that experience. It also permeates your energy with a sense of hopelessness-certainly not the emotional content you want to be carrying.

Yes, it's true that every single thought and feeling you have will create some energy-even if it's just a moment of joy or an instant of anxiety. But if you do have a flash of fear, does that mean the specific thing you're afraid of will actually manifest? Not necessarily. But it does indicate that negativity in general will move into your consciousness, creating a cloud of agitation that can either grow or decrease depending upon your approach to it. Venting it can actually get it out, while denial can keep it stuck.

Specific thoughts that are repeated-such as fear or appreciation-accumulate in your resonance and determine the quality of your daily life. So it's not necessarily the fleeting ideas that are problematic. It's living in a constant consciousness of fear and judgment that must be changed-because that's what really causes all your misery. Shifting persistent negative patterns will then transform the ongoing emotional quality of your life and generate a real core of happiness in your life-force energy.

We're all human. We all have doubts and worries that seem to come out of the blue. There are some that can just be let go, but others seem to be much more persistent. As we'll explore in Part III, most of the fear and judgment we've learned to live with is not our truth. It's up to us to establish a new foundation of positive perception, and that certainly doesn't include constantly fretting. Word Play

The obsession with always being positive has become so extreme that it has even resulted in rules about what you're allowed to say. In fact, you may have heard the admonition to never use the word want. The implication is that it will cause you to focus on the fact that you don't already have your goal. For example, if you say, "I want a man," it only makes you realize that you don't already have one. The theory encourages you to say instead, "I have a wonderful man," and to continue to repeat that until it becomes a reality.

But when it comes to attraction, what you say or how you say it isn't the most important issue. It's your entire life force-the consciousness rooted in your belief system- that really matters. If you're looking for a new relationship, it won't depend on whether you use the words want or have; it will depend almost exclusively on how you perceive and relate to yourself. You can tell yourself that you have a new relationship, and you can put pictures on your treasure map and feng-shui your bedroom with candles and rose quartz; but if you look in the mirror with self-loathing, you're out of luck. It's either not going to happen at all, or you're going to attract a man who's as hateful to you as you are to yourself. The bottom line isn't your words-it's your genuine self-regard and self-care. There's nothing wrong with wanting a man as long as you want to (and do) love yourself first.

Obsessing about language has just become one more thing for you to beat yourself up about-not an ideal energy in the intention to attract. Some people also say that the word hope, like want, is just another way to focus on something you don't have. But it's important to understand the power of the subconscious mind. It knows what you do and do not have. You can certainly use the word have, but don't discard hope. If you refuse to allow hope into your heart, it can dramatically shift your energy and attitude about the future-and not in a good way. Hope is an important element in the human experience. What would we strive for if we could never allow ourselves to imagine something better? Some people say that the word implies lack, but when I hear it, I feel optimism and a sense of unlimited future potential. Hope has driven people to great inventions and discoveries. It can heal, renew, and provide motivation and emotional sustenance. In fact, living without it causes depression and feelings of resignation and pointlessness. Hope is a key ingredient for happiness, and having something to look forward to inspires strength and enthusiasm.

In good times and bad, genuine hope is a vibrant force that's an intrinsic piece of our motivation to grow and change. It's at the center of our efforts in pursuit of personal awareness and self-mastery. After all, why would we ever work on ourselves if we didn't hope to create a more healthy and joyous life? This concept is also at the center of our efforts for others, for knowledge, for the environment, and for every worthwhile cause.

So instead of striking the word from our vocabulary, we should all make its optimistic energy a part of our daily life. I have hope for my children, the planet, our species, and harmony among all races and cultures. I, for one, will never stop hoping. Bizarre Attraction Advice ... Really?!

I get e-mails and phone calls from people all over the world, telling me their attraction stories. In recent years, I've been getting a slew of requests for feedback from people who have gotten somewhat questionable attraction advice and who want a second opinion. The following stories and suggestions are just a few of the true-but truly unbelievable-stories I've heard. Vegetable Madness

A woman who had developed a serious illness was told by her nutritionist that she should eat more healthy foods, especially broccoli. But her "attraction coach" said that if she knew she was eating the vegetable because she was sick, it would actually be bad for her and maybe even make her more sick! Instead of viewing her new food choice as self-actualized, her coach turned it into something negative. This is fear based, fatalistic, and just plain foolish. How's this for an option? Be proud of your new self-actualized choices. Eat the broccoli, drink plenty of water, and do other nurturing things that will help put you in charge of your own healing. As you do, affirm: I am making healthy choices in all that I eat, think, and do. Every cell in my body is blessed with the vitality and health of Divine consciousness. Speaking of Sickness ...

A friend of mine was experiencing myriad symptoms for which her family doctor was unable to provide a diagnosis. When she went to a specialist, another friend, who had read some books on attraction, warned her not to get too detailed in telling the new physician about her symptoms. He said that would mean she was focusing too much on the negative. He actually advised her not to reveal all of the information to the new doctor who was trying to diagnose her! She was also told to stop using the word healing in her affirmations because that meant she was focusing on being sick. In my opinion, however, getting better is a good thing-far better than the alternative. And whether we're healing ourselves, our relationships, our bodies, or our planet, it's always a wonderful intention to bring love where there may be pain, and light where there may be darkness. That's what healing-and higher intention-is all about, so never fear the word or the process itself. And if you're dealing with some medical issues, think twice when someone advises you not to get treatment and just use your thoughts instead. Of course your consciousness is capable of miraculous healing, and you should always consider that as one of your most powerful tools. But don't dismiss the valuable medical and alternative approaches. You are in charge-use everything your world has to offer. Fear of Fat

I recently heard a story that related a rather extreme viewpoint. This woman said that because she wanted to stay thin, she never let herself look at fat people. She must believe that even just seeing the image of an overweight person could cause the same thing to happen to her.

In my opinion, this point of view is so fearful and unhealthy that it's difficult to know where to begin. First, it's totally disempowering because it makes the mere sight of others more powerful than your own ability to make healthy choices. You must assume the power in your own life, whether it's about food, drinking, money, or anything else. Second, it reveals an extremely judgmental attitude, making others' appearance more important than their character, integrity, and personal worth. Finally, this approach must severely limit the woman's resources for support, input, and even happiness and fun. There are plenty of individuals who might be overweight; and who are wonderful and valuable in many ways, including friendship, love, and guidance. Personally, I'd much rather spend my time with a heavy person who's loving, genuine, and self-empowered than with a skinny person who's fearful, judgmental, and willing to give her power away. To Care or Not to Care

About a year ago, I was advised never to tell people to "take care" when I say good-bye. I guess the person thought it was a negative statement implying that one must be watchful because something could go wrong. The meaning-and energy-of the phrase depends on the person who says it, and I imagine that some people do intend it as a warning. I've never actually considered the salutation to "take care" to be negative. Quite the opposite, in fact. I close phone conversations with it, and I've said it to my clients for years. To me, it's a gentle reminder to prioritize yourself and to look after your own needs. After all, shouldn't we always take care of ourselves? When lovingly spoken, it's wonderful advice. I Walk the Line

A client once told me that she felt as though she spent all her time "troubleshooting" her thoughts, always analyzing if they were positive or negative, and being upset when they went the wrong way. She told me that her husband had been critical-but she didn't want to talk about her resentment over it. She said, "I know that words create energy, and if I say I have resentment, then that will only increase."

She also wanted to address her weight gain since menopause. When she told me, "I've gained 15 pounds," she also added that she hadn't wanted to say that out loud. When I asked why, she said it was only acknowledging a negative thing.

In both cases, however, she needed to start with what was real in order to deal with the situation. After all, how can you resolve a problem if you don't allow yourself to identify it first? Yes, words do create energy, but the fear of them creates energy, too. Life is real, and difficult things can happen. If you refuse to talk openly and honestly about your experience, you'll only be living in denial, perpetuating the problem, and carrying the resonance of the unresolved situation with you.

(Continues...)