| Foreword by The Stork | p. ix |
| From the Author | p. xv |
| Conception: When Wanted Life Begins | p. 3 |
| It, and the Doing Thereof | |
| Tinkering with the Essence of Life in a Lab: A Recipe for Success! | |
| They're Called "Love Children" Because You Have to "Love Children" to Have Them | |
| DNA: The Body's Snitch | |
| Your Parents, Total Incompetence, and You | |
| Throughout Your Fetalcy | p. 17 |
| Choosing a Doctor That's Right for Your Doctor | |
| Booze, Cigs, Drugs, and the Death of Fun | |
| Coffee Yes, Cat Shit No: Surprising Health Tips | |
| Everything in Your House Is Out to Get You | |
| The Pregnancy Diet: You'll Have the Soup | |
| Month 1: An Introduction to Existentialism | p. 35 |
| Best Weeks Ever! 1-4 | |
| Acing Your Home Pregnancy Test | |
| From G-spot to Anus: Meet the Neighbors! | |
| Only an Embryo, and Already Lying About Your Age | |
| Twins: Separating the Schwarzeneggers from the DeVitos | |
| When the F in MILF Stands for "Feel More Confident About Her Physical Appearance" | |
| Month 2: Making Mitosis Fowrtosis | p. 51 |
| Best Weeks Ever! 5-8 | |
| Jaws II: The Return of All of Mommy's Food | |
| Daddy's (Sym)Pathetic Pregnancy | |
| Noon: The New 7 a.m. | |
| A Bountiful Harvest of Urine | |
| Pregnancy at the Workplace: When the Watercolor Conversation Becomes "Wow, She Looks Like a Watercooler" | |
| Month 3: Vaguely Human! | p. 69 |
| Best Weeks Ever! 9-13 | |
| The Other Bloating Sensation in Her Abdomen | |
| Sadness, Anxiety, Happiness, and Depression: Overcoming Happiness | |
| Who Should Gain More Weight, You or Mom? | |
| Celebrity Babies: When B-listers Get C-sections | |
| Month 4: Pardon the Protrusion | p. 85 |
| Best Weeks Ever! 14-17 | |
| It Looks Like Breast Milk, but It's Too Early and It's Coming from Her Vagina | |
| Maternity Fashion: Today's Hottest Muumuus! | |
| Don't Like My Pregnancy? Dial 1-800-FUCK-UTE | |
| You're All Going to Paris, but Only Two of You Will Actually See the Eiffel Tower | |
| Getting in Shape When You Don't Yet Have One | |
| Month 5 Acknowledging Your Flailings | p. 101 |
| Best Weeks Ever! 18-22 | |
| Paging Ralph Macchio | |
| By the Way, Haydn Wrote 104 Symphonies, but Nobody Blasts Him into Mom's Abdomen | |
| The Technicolor Dreamscape of Pregnancy Skin | |
| Sonograms and Daughterograms | |
| When Daddy Penetrates Mommy: Your Insider's Guide | |
| Month 6: Threshold of Unabortability | p. 117 |
| Best Weeks Ever! 23-27 | |
| Why the Entire Bus Is Allowed to Rub Mom's Belly | |
| Camel: Humps Pregnant Woman: Feet | |
| Tusks | |
| A Topic Too Disturbing Not to Deliberately Mishear | |
| Childbirth Classes: It's Never Too Early for Parents to Get Ripped Off Paying for School | |
| Month 7: Third Trime's the Charm | p. 131 |
| Best Weeks Ever! 28-31 | |
| Whew! It Was All a Dream ...or Was It? [Dramatic Sting, Tight Shot of Umbilical Cord] | |
| Prepartum Stress About Postpartum Life: Let's Just Focus on the Partum, Shall We? | |
| Birth Plans: Beyond "Step 1: Fuck" | |
| Doulas and Don'tlas | |
| Can't the Internet Make Our Babies for Us Already? | |
| Month 8: Allow Six to Eight Weeks for Delivery | p. 149 |
| Best Weeks Ever! 32-35 | |
| Urine: This Time, It's Personal | |
| B-section Too Pricey? D-section Too Tacky? Consider This Compromise | |
| Baby Showers, Followed by 50 Percent Chance of Baby Freezing Rain | |
| It Was "MomDad"; Now It's "MomYouDad": Guess Who Got Between Them? | |
| Tits Tits Tits Tits Tits! | |
| Month 9: Paradise Almost Lost | p. 165 |
| Best Weeks Ever! 36-40 | |
| The Nesting Instinct: Twigger, Please! | |
| Round, Firm, and Fully Packed | |
| A Live Band in the Delivery Room, or Just a DJ? | |
| Water Breaking? We'll Show You How to Fix It | |
| False Labor: Making the Maternity Ward Become the "Psych!" Ward | |
| It's the Second Monday in September, and Still No Labor Day | |
| Call You Ishmael, or Possibly Jayden | |
| Labor and Delivery: Mom at Her Pushiest | p. 181 |
| Live with Regis and Four Newborns! | |
| Months 10-1, 000: A Time of Transition | p. 195 |
| Childhood, Adulthood, Old Age, and Other Miscellany | |
| Acknowledgments | p. 199 |
| Table of Contents provided by Ingram. All Rights Reserved. |
