The Joy of Conflict Resolution

Acknowledgments
Introduction

CHAPTER 1: VICTIMS, VILLAINS, AND HEROES
Fairy tales of conflict
Roles we play
Beyond the drama triangle

CHAPTER 2: LESSONS FROM THE SANDBOX
Grow up, already
My PhD advisor can beat up your PhD advisor
Themes from the playground
It's hard to see the picture when you're in the frame
Conflict as its own reward
The roots of defensiveness

CHAPTER 3: JUST LIKE THE MOVIES
Elements of conflict stories
What drives us?
Our conflict dramas
When did the knife go in?
The journey from confrontation to collaboration

CHAPTER 4: WELCOME TO TURM-OIL INC .
Co-workers in conflict
Black Friday

CHAPTER 5: THE ASSUMPTION ICEBERG
Book 'em, Dinah
Motive and impact
Book 'em, Dinah (revisited)

CHAPTER 6: THE WOBBLY STOOL OF CONFLICT
The three legs of conflict
Big Bob goes bananas
Diagnosing resistance
Identifying the problem
Respecting process needs
Stabilizing the emotion
Big Bob goes bananas (revisited)

CHAPTER 7: THE PERILS OF ANGER MOUNTAIN
Responses to anger
Significance of the anger arousal cycle
Strategies to defuse others' anger
The time and place for apologies

CHAPTER 8: BEWARE THE CONFLICT GREMLINS
Strategies to manage our own anger
Get to know your gremlins
What to do about our gremlins
Listen to your inner coach

CHAPTER 9: THE POWER OF LISTENING
The North Wind and the Sun
Why listen?
Silence is golden
Proving you understand
How to get the full story
A metaphor is worth a thousand words
The importance of being genuine

CHAPTER 10: SPINNING THE STRAW OF DEFENSIVENESS
The chain reaction of defensiveness
Defining defensiveness
Spinning the gold of understanding
Forms of defensiveness: more lessons from the sandbox
Warming the climate
Doug separates the person from the problem
When you hit bedrock

CHAPTER 11: ESCAPING THE TRAP OF POSITIONS
No room at the inn for Vic
Trapped by positions
Naming the topic
The key to collaboration - interests and needs
Shifting from positions to interests

CHAPTER 12: PROBING THE DEPTHS OF CONFLICT
Shifting judgment to curiosity
All questions are not created equal
Peeling the onion for the real story
I'll show you mine if ...
Ask only if you really want to know

CHAPTER 13: STANDING UP FOR OURSELVES (WITHOUT KNOCKING THE OTHER PERSON DOWN)
An alternative to fight or flight
Passive behavior
Aggressive behavior
"I" statements
The difficult person story
"I'm okay. They need professional help"
Describing the difficult behavior
First within, then without
The D-E-S statement
When the other person doesn't respond
A few tips

CHAPTER 14: THE ROAD TO RESOLUTION
Preparing to meet
Doug's preparation to meet with Marko
Steps to collaboration
The conflict resolution two-step

CHAPTER 15: TIPS FOR THE TRAVELER
Being a warrior of the heart
The inner work
Active curiosity
Focusing on specific skills
Changing the dance
Don't go it alone
Other tips

Resources
Bibliography
Index
About the Author